Over-giving feels like exhaustion and depletion. You've drained yourself entirely. In the act of giving to others, you've somehow managed to use yourself up. And worse, if there's no one able to pour into you, you can feel very lonely and unsure of your ability to keep up.
There is an old tale about the Match Stick Girl. A little girl is orphaned and homeless. To survive she sells matches on the street corner. She is down to her final 3 matches on a frigid winter night in an alley. She ends up giving her matches away to three fantasies and never starts a fire for herself. In the end, she is welcomed to the other side by the spirit of her grandmother.
It's a sad and dark tale but many of us live it out every day. This is the story of over-giving, the story of burnout. We give our energy out to others, holding on to this fantasy that someone else is going to come and save us when we need it.
Many of us are built to give, we are empathetic to our core and our very purpose is to care for others in one way or another. And the world is so full of need, everyone seems to be dealing with some hardship - it never ends. But the number of nurses, teachers, doctors who have left their careers in the last 4 years has shows even our professional caregivers are burning out. What must be happening to the amateur caregivers - or even those profes
sionals when they get home and realize that the need is now just staring back at them from different faces and in a different way.
How do we recover from this type of burnout?
It can be natural to feel resentment or anger toward people in your life who could support you more. Why are all of your relationships so one-sided? When does someone give you a soft place to land?
When we find ourselves in the alley with the Match Stick Girl - when we feel orphaned and alone. We tend to soothe ourselves with fantasy. Maybe you dream about the perfect partner arriving to rub your back and pour you a glass of wine. Maybe you spend the time analyzing your relationships, growing angry about when your friends or family haven't stepped up for you. Maybe you spend hours cleaning and straightening - hoping to infuse some joy and light into the space around you to feed you.
The problem is that doing these things only drains you further. It is the same as the Match Stick Girl using up all of her matches until they are gone, and then so is she. You are giving the final sparks of energy away in those most important hours.
This moment of isolation is not a punishment - it is an important step in our growth. The isolation phase for the over-giver is intended to teach you how to stop giving the matches away and instead, light a fire for yourself. This is the true meaning of self-care. The tasks may look similar, you may spend a quiet evening at home with a book or take yourself shopping or simply sit with a cup of coffee/tea/wine on the porch. The shift that must occur is internal.
The deep self-care you need is to set down the worry. Set down the fantasy of some prince saving the day. Set down the victim story of what they should have done differently.
Set it all down.
And in its place, speak kindly to yourself.
Don't start cataloging the great deeds you've done, just simply be kind to yourself. Turn that loving and empathetic ear inward.
The most important first step is to stop. Stop the fretting and the worry. Stop re-hashing the past and telling yourself stories about the future. These are the final moments where you drain yourself entirely.
In my next post I'll go into more detail about deep self-care with steps to stop the draining in these moments what it look like to be truly kind to yourself.
If this post resonates, I invite you to schedule an intro call to learn more about my private mindset facilitation and coaching sessions.
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